bullet points and revealing thoughts

• Current weight: 201.4
• I am owning this. Accepting it. And focusing on that it means that I've lost and kept off 17.4 pounds.
• Weight loss has been up and down lately which is representative of my life these past few months. 
• Due to supervising a student activity starting next week, and teaching a class in June, I have to change my weigh in days and meetings, at least for May and June. I am hoping the activity will be on break July and August so I can switch back and then see what happens for September. 
• There is a small chance that I can use my "lunch break" (I'll be working until 7:30pm) to run to the meeting and at least weigh in with the leader I like, but I wonder if finding a meeting I can actually stay for is more important. 

• The last few days I've been doing a lot of deep thinking and started to wonder if I should find someone to speak with about my run ins with bouts of anxiety and depression.
• Along those lines I realized that while I like and am happy with my life, I'm not really sure that I like myself.  I don't hate myself though, so that's something I guess... but not liking myself is not a good mindset to have when trying to change habits, and is definitely a major obstacle I need to tackle to be able to create a healthy lifestyle for myself. 
• And so no one freaks out on me about the above two points, I know I'm a good person, I have no suicidal thoughts. Aside from doing what I need to do to keep my body going and not let the CMV run rampant I seem to be very apathetic regarding myself which makes it difficult to want to make and stick to healthy lifestyle changes because I only intellectually care about it, I don't care on a deep down emotional level.

• I have put all this here because by doing so it helps to make it real to me. It helps me stand up and be accountable to myself, my thoughts and my feelings regardless of how others may view them. Saying things here makes them "public" which makes them more than just thoughts floating around in my mind.