Feeling stuck

(Yet another lengthy and wordy post. Sorry... Been thinking a lot and felt that I should put it all out there on here.)

Since my last post I haven't done anything productive regarding losing weight/getting healthy. I haven't worked out, I haven't tracked or really even planned my food.

I could make excuses, and blame it all on the stress of not knowing what is going on with my job, but it would just be an excuse to latch on to versus owning up to just not caring and in a way making the choice to sabotage myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on a lot of things. The stress of job stuff has been a real factor in how I've been approaching things in my life, but not in a way that makes it a true obstacle in making healthy living choices. However, in a lot of ways this stress is not really a factor anymore, I still have to interview and be chosen for the position, but there's no stress anymore of if we'll be getting the grant/if there will be a job to interview for. We got notified on Friday that we got the grant, so now the process begins of posting the position, applying, and interviewing. It is a step in the right direction, and as it is a step that means that area of my life is in motion, which is a lot better than how it was before with being stuck on hold.

I've been analyzing some of my eating habits/patterns and while in the past I've tried to "blame" some of them as learned patterns from my mom, but lately I've realized that I've gotten past those and instead adopted the bad habits of my ex. As he struggled to gain/keep on weight, he never had to be concerned with what or how much he ate, and I've realized that my stress/emotional eating habits mirror his regular eating habits, as there were a lot of times we were together that the time we spent together revolved around food, and my wanting to share what he was eating so that we could eat together.
Knowing this at least helps me identify my subconscious decisions/etc. so now I can face them head-on and reprogram those food associations.

I've also started to get back to my previous mindsets of tackling eating better and exercising from my unique perspective versus trying to model things based on what other people have done/are doing. I keep trying to exercise the way other people are (based on reading blogs, internet and magazine articles, etc.) but none of these address my known physical/health problems and restrictions that I have to keep in mind (mainly my CMV virus, weak ankles, and my problem knee). I've also never been athletic and am a poor healer so I need to be cautious about pushing myself too hard as I'm liable to injure myself or end up too sore to move.

I canceled my subscription to WW eTools. I haven't used it in months and it seemed silly to keep paying for something I wasn't using. It felt kind of good to get rid of it since I was feeling a bit guilty not using it.

I haven't made it back to WW meetings/weigh ins. I am still majorly struggling with planning and tracking my food, and as much as I like the camaraderie that can come from going, with all of my food issues, I just never find the help I'm looking for. It becomes extremely frustrating to sit and listen to people losing large numbers, or at least larger numbers than mine, week after week even though I know that doing this slowly increases my chances of being able to keep the weight off long-term and that I have to do things the way that is right for my body.

I do miss weigh-ins where the ladies weighing me in were always glad to see me and honestly supportive of my progress, cheering me on when I lost weight, and supporting me when I was struggling. I also liked the fun of earning stickers/charms for making progress. I'm just torn about the financial side of it with paying to go to meetings for a program that I'm not technically following. . . . .

I think I was trying to use doing the 8 Minute Moves as a way to baby-step into exercise because that's what all the literature says to do, but I really do not enjoy doing it at all, which is why it was so easy to stop doing. I pulled out my different walking DVDs (Leslie Sansone and Biggest Loser) yesterday and I'm actually looking forward to working on getting back to doing them. I like doing workout DVDs.  The ideas of going to a gym or running outside do not appeal to me at all. I keep being afraid of what people will think when they as how I'm losing weight and I "have" to tell them I'm doing DVDs, but I need to stop worrying or even thinking about that and just get back to doing what works for me on all fronts.

Doing what works for me also includes stopping giving myself deadlines when it comes to this stuff. I know I'll make progress on this when it is right for me. Saying that I will start something on a certain day makes it seem like I have to do it that day which just stresses me out. Arranging and planning out what I want to do helps me remember that this is my choice and that I really do want to do it, and that makes all the difference in going through with it.